Pranks
by Eve8
Summary: The prank wars that go on at the SGC, and the masterminds behind them.
1. Masterminds

A/N: While typing up the other story I've been posting, I found this old thing lurking around. I had another look at it and decided to put it up. I'm not too fond of it, as there are numerous prank stories out there for probably every show that inspires fanfic, but I don't recall seeing one too similar to this before. The pranks I've included aren't really terribly original, but they're all ones that my brothers and evil sister have done to each other or to other people.

Pranks

"You are a genius," Jack O'Neill said honestly, grinning at his 2IC.

Blushing slightly, Sam Carter said dismissively, "It was your idea, sir… I just knew how to make it work logistically."

"Guess we make a pretty good team, huh."

"Well, it has been about three years, sir, and so far we haven't been defeated once… we lost a few battles here and there, but overall, I'd say we're ahead," she agreed with a small smile.

Anyone passing by Sam Carter's open window that night, who also happened to know who and what these two people were, would have assumed they were referring to their work as the top-secret SGC's military half of its flagship unit, SG1. They would have been wrong. Of course, waging a constant and never-ceasing battle against the Goa'uld and other alien enemies was the basic part of their job description. Few people knew of the existence of the SGC. It was the Air Force's most highly guarded secret. But the SGC had a secret of its own. On downtime, it had been home to some of the best pranks known to man.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Upon her assignment to SG1, Ferreti had filled her in on that little secret, no doubt trying to get on her good side by giving her a heads-up. As one of the few women on base, she would no doubt be a high priority target. The fact that she was much more… antagonistic was probably the polite word for it… than the rest of the base's female officers, combined with the fact that most of the men had been outsmarted, outmaneuvered, and just generally outperformed by her at some point or another, all boiled down to the fact that shortly after joining the SGC, she was the prime target. It also didn't help her situation any that, if the rumors could be believed, her middle-aged CO who was emotionally about eight years old, was behind the vast majority of the pranks successfully pulled on base. Sure, every once in a while, someone managed to get him back, sometimes fairly well. But his success rate was at least triple every one else's. As soon as she had found all of this information out, therefore, she had made one of the wisest moves of her career: something it hadn't occurred to anybody else at the SGC to do. She had proposed an alliance.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"What?" Carter asked self-consciously, blushing yet again at the look on the man's face as he stared at her from across her kitchen table.

"Just thinking about that first time, way back when… green, grinning Captain Carter…" he trailed off, smiling at her in one of his rare, unguarded, genuinely affectionate smiles, which was immediately returned in full force as she too recalled the "historic" (as he dubbed it) event.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Um, sir, do you have a minute?" Captain Carter had asked, poking her head into his quarters. He was doing crunches.

Oh crap, she thought to herself.

"Sorry, sir, it's not important…" she said quickly, turning to go.

"Nah, I'm done, Carter, what's up?" he asked, getting to his feet with a springy step most men his age had lost twenty years earlier.

"I just… wanted to talk to you about something, if you have time," she said uncertainly, standing in the doorway awkwardly, suddenly intensely aware of how stupid her arms probably looked, hanging down at her sides.

"I already said I do, Carter, come in and sit down. What's the problem?"

She shut the door behind herself and sat down in the only chair in the room. He sat down on the edge of his bed, watching her uncertainly, as if probably fearful for her sanity. She realized the more furtive she acted, the more scared he'd probably get… it hadn't been that long since the humiliating locker room episode, after all…

Clearing her throat, she said, "There's no problem, sir, I just… have a proposition for you."

"A proposition," he repeated, looking at her in complete shock.

Realizing how that probably sounded, she blushed quickly and looked at the table before continuing. "I've heard about the… prank wars that go on here, sir, and I just thought maybe you could use my help," she said, trying to make her offer sound as appealing as possible. She fixed him with her clear gaze and was pleased to see that she had taken him by surprise.

"Your help?" he said, leaning forward, unable to hide how interested he was in this unprecedented turn of events. "I don't know, Carter… I've worked alone in the past and, if you've heard the rumors, you'll notice I'm way ahead any of the rest of these guys… so," he said, smiling knowingly. "My guess is that brilliant mind of yours has figured out you'd be better off trying to get on the winning side before somebody gets you good."

"Well… obviously an alliance would have benefits for both of us," she hedged. "Otherwise we wouldn't be able to trust each other."

"Good point," he said fairly. "All right. I see what you get from said alliance. The knowledge I won't prank you, and the knowledge that if anybody else gets you, I'll help them get you back. So… what do you bring to this alliance?"

"Well, I thought my knowledge of the base's computer and security systems, my access to the women's locker room, the fact that as I'm new nobody suspects me of anything yet so I could move around a lot more freely than you can, as everyone here knows to be on the lookout for Colonel O'Neill…"

"Interesting, I like the way you're thinking, Carter," he said approvingly. "All right. You've got yourself a deal. But if this is going to work, it's going to take a lot of careful planning. People are going to get suspicious if I don't prank you. So we're going to have to make it look like I've at least tried to get you a couple of times. And you can't look like you're enjoying my pranks any more than the other innocent bystanders. AND, you can't let on that you know anything's about to happen."

"Yes, sir," she said eagerly, unable to conceal her biggest grin that she'd successfully negotiated this all-important treaty.

"And one last thing…"

"Yes, sir?"

"You've got to act like you think the whole prank war is completely beneath your intelligence. That part, I think you'll be able to handle just fine."

She smiled again. Almost instantly upon meeting him, she had been completely disarmed by his ability to mask compliments into casual, light conversation.

"Well then, I'd like to say this is the beginning of a new era of pranking," he said, offering her his hand. She shook it, laughing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

And so it had been. If anybody on base managed to connect the increase in the complexity and ingeniousness of the various pranks pulled on the SGC after Captain Carter's arrival, they would have merely chalked it up to O'Neill's boyish attempt to impress her. They both played their parts so well. It was brilliant. And O'Neill, for his part, thought that the best thing about it was that Carter's playful, slightly wicked side was something that only he knew about. It was their little secret.

"Ah, such humble beginnings," Jack said in a wistful tone. "And look where we are now…" Carter laughed.

"Yes, sir. Tomorrow is going to be good."

Part of Carter's addition to their little team had been the increased complexity and volume of pranks pulled, especially in tandem. She had realized a good strategy: that if they pulled multiple pranks on multiple people all at once, those people would point their fingers at each other first. It would take them a while to sort out who was behind it (and even then, they thought it was only O'Neill) and that usually gave them plenty of time to figure out what was coming at him and avoid it. They had spent two weeks carefully planning this day down to the very last detail… and it was going to be the best, by far. Nothing could stop them now.

They met with the rest of SG1 for breakfast, as they did routinely, in the commissary. The conversation was light and friendly and casual, until Daniel said, "So, Jack, what are you planning?"

Looking shocked, Jack dropped his spoon loudly, letting it clatter in his half-empty bowl of cereal. "What makes you think I'm planning something?" he asked defensively.

Daniel sighed and said, "I got a note in my locker that said 'watch your six.'"

"So?"

"You should at least try to disguise your writing, Jack… or type up your dire threats…"

"Really, sir!" Carter said with a laugh. "Getting a little careless in your old age?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You wish, Carter. One of these days… I'm going to get you."

"You couldn't get past the locks on my lab if you had a month alone in here unsupervised."

"There are other, less secure areas around here, Major, where you aren't quite as well protected."

"You've never managed it yet, sir, I don't see why you're so confident all of a sudden."

"I've lulled you into a false sense of security."

"Oh, really, sir? I'd say it's not false at all. I think I have every right to be secure in the knowledge that you could never, ever, successfully get me. Every time you've tried, I've found out about it way before any damage was done, haven't I?"

"Beginner's luck," Jack growled. Sometimes even he forgot they were just pretending.

Finally, Daniel interrupted them. "Geez, break it up or get a room already," he said loudly. "We were talking about me, remember?" he asked in an almost petulant tone, turning to Teal'c for confirmation.

Teal'c transferred half a banana to his mouth at once and replied around it, "Indeed."

Carter blushed and, after a quick glance at the clock, met Jack's eyes for just a second before saying, "Daniel, shut up!"

She didn't have to completely fake the embarrassment at his comment either, and she was able to use it as a way to leave, which she definitely needed to do. Standing up and crossing her arms, she said, "Just for that comment, I hope the Colonel DOES get you in your stupid prank war."

"Aw, Sam, come on," Daniel said with a chuckle. "Lighten up…"

"I'm just constantly amazed at how much time GROWN men can donate to such stupid jokes!" she continued, glaring at them all, her face coloring with "anger" as she stormed out of the commissary. A few of the other male SF's whistled quietly or looked over knowingly after the doors slammed shut behind her.

Even Jack took a moment to remember she wasn't really mad. Damn, she was good, he thought, keeping the smile off his face as he turned to Daniel with a shrug. "What's got into her?"

"She's always been like that. She can never let loose, not even for a minute…" Daniel muttered, poking moodily at his waffle.

We'll see who's letting loose, Spacemonkey, Jack thought to himself with a grin.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Carter!" he whispered quickly, sticking his head in the briefing room. She poked her head up from underneath the table and nodded.

"Almost done sir." She disappeared for another second and came back up, tucking her hair back into place behind her ears. She quickly crossed the room and handed him a small, flat, black device that was actually a modified garage door opener.

"This is it?"

"Yes, sir, just push the different buttons for different… er, effects," she whispered as he pocketed the device.

"Sweet," he said appreciatively.

She smiled at the approval and said, "Okay, I'll go take the security cameras off their loops."

"Yeah. I'll go meet Hammond for the meeting early, make him my alibi."

"Right. And I'll walk in looking harassed, holding a bunch of papers." They traded quick grins and separated.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Major Carter, this meeting started two minutes ago," General Hammond said, the unique mixture of patronizing reprimand and worry at how she 'overworked' herself evident in the tone reserved only for her as she hurried into the briefing room with a quick apology, carrying a stack of folders.

"Carter, when was the last time I ordered you to get a life?" Jack asked from his seat across the table, swaying back and forth casually in his chair.

"I believe it was Tuesday, sir," she replied absently without looking up from her paperwork. Jack actually laughed at that, as did Daniel.

"All right, colonel, we're ready to begin," General Hammond stated.

Of course, they weren't going to pull their prank in the middle of an IMPORTANT meeting… this one was about the interesting ratio of successful UAV landings to crashed ones… Part one of their strategy had been devised and executed solely by Jack. Wash Daniel's BDUs in the detergent he was mildly allergic to, which made him squirmy in his seat. Innocent on its own, but when combined with Carter's hidden little doohickey…

Jack glanced around the room casually. As Daniel squirmed, he pushed one of the buttons in his pocket, and a low, quiet farting noise interrupted the General. General Hammond, ever the professional, ignored the sound and continued talking.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. Jack looked at Daniel in surprise. Daniel looked confused and glanced down at the table, hoping nobody thought the noise came from him. Sam looked at him in mild surprise and (she hoped) concern.

After a few more minutes, he shifted again, and this time the noise was decidedly… louder. Jack couldn't conceal his smile, but he figured it wasn't out of character for him to smile… even Sam flashed a small one before she managed to cover it.

Teal'c this time, turned to Daniel so slowly and with such a confused look on his face Sam actually giggled at his reaction. Jack kicked her under the table. She jumped and muffled an exclamation of pain.

General Hammond looked at them all in stunned silence and said calmly, "If everyone's okay, I'll continue…"

"Yes, sir," they all chorused.

Sam's eyes widened. Not two seconds later (he had GUTS) the worst of the machine's three noises erupted. Daniel looked at them all sheepishly. "It's not me, I swear!" he burst out.

"Son, I'm trying to debrief you all!" Hammond said, quickly losing his patience at being interrupted repeatedly over silly noises. Teal'c was even smiling! This was unacceptable.

"Sorry, sir," Daniel apologized meekly, leaning back in his chair. As he did, Jack pressed his new favorite button again.

"Dr. Jackson, are you okay?" Hammond demanded.

Sam couldn't help it. The look on Daniel's face was too priceless… she clamped a hand over her mouth and her shoulders shook in silent giggles. Jack smiled at her. This was another of the benefits of pranking with Carter… HE was responsible for that laugh.

"Yes, sir, I swear it's not me, I'm fine! Just a little itchy…" He squirmed in his seat again and Jack pressed the button once more, despite catching the glint in Carter's eye that begged him to stop. This was even better than he'd expected.

"Daniel Jackson, perhaps you should visit the infirmary," Teal'c suggested.

"No, I'm fine…"

"I think that's a good idea. We'll finish this meeting later," Hammond said quickly.

"But sir I'm fine…" This time Jack didn't even wait… the noise just added itself to Daniel's insistent objections, leaving Sam collapsed on the table in a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

"Infirmary!" Hammond said tersely, gathering up his files and leaving the room.

Daniel got up angrily. "Jack, I don't know how you did this but I know it was you!" he accused.

"What are you talking about, Daniel… it's not my fault you can't control yourself… better run along to the infirmary like a good little boy."

Glaring at him, Daniel stalked out, each step accentuated by another little noise from Jack's machine. Carter was laughing so hard her side was splitting.

Teal'c let out one loud, solitary chuckle, looked ashamed at the momentary lack of control, and quickly excused himself.

"Carter, you okay?"

"Sorry, sir, I just… didn't expect everyone's reactions and… man that was a good one!"

"Don't worry about it… it was a good, natural reaction. But we need to get out of here and get on with phase two."

"Yes, sir," she agreed, trying to compose herself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Part of her deal with Jack had also meant that she had secured asylum for her best friend, Janet Fraiser. The doctor wasn't the victim of too many pranks, because everyone knew she could and would subject anybody she caught pranking her to a series of painful inoculations and embarrassing tests. That did not, however, prevent Jack and Sam from occasionally using her without her knowledge.

"Janet, you're not going to believe what somebody did to me," Sam wailed in her most whiny, overly dramatic tone as she sat on a stool next to her friend's workstation.

"I just saw Daniel. Don't tell me the great Sam Carter's been pranked as well."

"Yeah, but not too bad… just annoying, really. When I got out of the shower this morning, my underwear and bra were missing, nowhere to be found."

"So you don't have on any…"

"Shh," she said quickly, glancing around nervously. "And no. I don't! Don't tell anyone, okay. Especially Daniel, he'll tell the Colonel and I'll never hear the end of it."

"How do you know it wasn't the Colonel who did it in the first place…"

"Well, first of all I think it's a bit too simple for him… he'd probably hide every scrap of clothing in the entire locker room."

"Probably," Janet agreed with a sympathetic smile.

"And secondly, I checked the security footage. It was Major Rickman, but he was talking to someone on his radio the whole time, so I know he had at least somebody else in on it. So, if you could maybe figure out a reason why they needed some extra shots or something…"

"Want me to give them sore bums?" Janet asked.

"Yes, please!"

"No problem. I'll give them to all of SG3, just to be on the safe side."

"I love you."

"I know. Get out of here before someone sees you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam walked past Jack and Daniel swiftly, turning and winking at him once she was past Daniel's line of vision.

He grinned. "Got to report to Fraiser."

While he was in a corner quietly waiting his turn for her to finish, he tried not to be too proud of Sam as he saw all of SG3, big, huge men mostly, all walking around the small infirmary in inadequate hospital gowns, all clearly uncomfortable about the state of their backsides. He also tried to be as discreet as possible as he quickly snapped photo after photo of them with his pencam, which was transmitting straight to Sam's computer. At the same time as she was working on this prank, he quickly got another one underway after a quick stop in the locker room to "change."

Carter and Jack hadn't been the only ones to form an alliance, just the best at it. There was a lot of inner-team loyalty, and the rivalry between SG3 and SG5 was huge. So, while SG3 was being stuck repeatedly in the butts with large needles for a series of rather unnecessary "boosters," SG5 were showering after a week-long off-world mission, inadvertently dying their hair shocking pink in the process.

Carter and Jack, from the safety of her lab, shared a grin as they heard the various curses suddenly issuing from the locker room.

"How about the…"

"It's done," she supplied, stepping away from the keyboard with a grin. "Uploading… now."

She had rewritten several subroutines of the base's word processing programs… anybody who typed the letter S was now going to get an interesting show. She had created a webpage inspired by the dancing hamster page, except all the little dancing pictures were the members of SG3, all in their shorty gowns that never quite closed adequately at the back. Some were holding their butts in pain, others merely looked uncomfortable.

As they could hear laughter, shouting, and the song that also kicked in when the display came up, issuing from various points all over the base, they collapsed into hysterical laughter.

After a few moments, however, Jack said reluctantly, "I better get back to my office before somebody finds us together."

"Good idea, sir," Carter gasped in between laughs, quickly hiding all evidence of what she'd done by cleverly making it look as though Sergeant Siler (who had been surprised and embarrassed upon arriving at base that morning to discover that his treasured giant wrench had had the word "OVERCOMPENSATING" etched into it with a laser so that he could NOT get rid of it) had sent the program from his computer.

Three down, she thought with a grin.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, let me press it," Jack insisted, hovering behind Sam as she typed away at the computer.

"Are you sure you want to do this to Teal'c, sir? You know he needs to kel-no-reem after lunch…"

"Aww, he'll be fine."

"I know he will, but he's never participated in the pranks, he doesn't really deserve…"

"Have you ever boxed with the man? That's reason enough. He's got it coming. Now let me send it."

"Yes, sir." She relinquished control of the mouse and watched her CO click "Send," effectively ruining the rest of Teal'c's day, as they had just sent out a mass e-mail to everyone on base aside from Teal'c himself, from Teal'c's e-mail address, requesting that fill-in-the-blank please stop by Teal'c's quarters after lunch. The poor man was going to be bombarded with visitors all afternoon.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Poor Daniel," Carter commented as they snuck into his office. "First the briefing room and now this…"

"This one was YOUR idea," Jack reminded her as he popped the "m" and "n" keys out of his keyboard quickly and swapped them with each other. Daniel would spend a long time wondering why his typing skills had suddenly turned to crap.

"Ooh, I've got another idea," Jack said suddenly, grabbing the scotch tape off Daniel's desk and taping the mouse ball in place.

Carter laughed and said, "I can pull up this security camera in my office later and we can watch him dealing with all this."

"Yeah, poor Daniel. You're just as evil as I am, you know," he said proudly. She grinned and shrugged.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, now, you loop the security feed," Jack said, grabbing a garbage bag off a chair.

Carter clicked away at the computer and said, "Okay, done." She clicked on her walkie talkie and followed him down to the hallway where most of the SGC had their private quarters. While she stood guard at the end of the hall, Jack went around to every door and draped a pair of flashy satiny knickers over the doorknob, with a little post-it that said, "from Walter."

A noise at the other end of the hall sent them both sprinting to safety. Grinning, they high-fived each other and returned to their respective offices to secure alibis for themselves.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack smiled to himself like Mr. Burns as the base spent the rest of the morning trying to sort out who had done what, to whom, and first… Carter's nifty little program was very hard to get rid of, as it kept rewriting itself, so that as soon as the technicians thought they'd deleted it, it would crop up elsewhere, summoned by an entirely new command. In fact, they deserved a little break… they had been working hard, after all, and their success was largely due to her input…

He grabbed his coat and headed to her lab. "Hey, Carter, whatcha doin?"

"Just working on backwards engineering the device brought back from…"

He held up his hand to stop her, grabbing her coat. "Come on, we're going off base."

"Sir?" she asked in surprise, looking at the clock. It was lunch time, but they always ate in the commissary…

"I want to be able to gloat properly over this," he said as he put her coat on her shoulders, leaning into her so he could speak quietly into her ear. "And we can't do that here. Come on. I'll have you back to your little toys in no time at all."

Grinning, she said, "Yes, sir," and quickly shut down the necessary machines.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Daniel watched them leaving, a curious expression on his face. He KNEW Jack was behind at least some of what had happened today… certainly what had happened to him. It wasn't like either of them, but Sam in particular, to go off base in the middle of the day, and she had looked so… suddenly his eyes widened.

"Janet, are you alone?" he asked quickly after ringing the infirmary.

"No, there are several patients here, apparently there was something in the detergent that's caused a rash in several people… why, is there a problem?"

"I need you to come to my office as soon as you can. I have something incredible to tell you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"There's no way," Janet said simply, seated in Daniel's visitor chair across from him. "Sam wouldn't…"

"She's fooled us all, Janet. I think she's been in on this with Jack for a long time, maybe even from the beginning. Think about it. They're always verbally challenging each other, but has he ever ACTUALLY pranked her?"

"Well…"

"That we actually saw it happen? She's mentioned a few lame attempts, but has anyone ever been around her when one of these went off? Jack would make sure a prank on Sam was very public… come on. If anybody's smart enough to do this, it's Sam. She's had the perfect cover… making fun of him for being so immature, nobody would suspect her."

"But you still have no proof, I'm not going to help you prank my best friend without proof…"

"They're both out having lunch together off base right now, probably so they can have good long laughs about what they've been up to today. Come on, Janet this is military strategy here, attack your enemies at the same time, make them wonder where it came from… think about it. Nobody has ever pranked Sam. Why. Because Jack's got her back."

"Somebody DID prank her today. She told me - I thought it was the colonel. Somebody hid her underwear in the locker room…"

"That's a pretty lame prank."

"Yeah, I know but she was upset about it, so I helped her get back at…"

Their eyes both widened as they realized she had tricked Janet into helping her. "And while I was giving them shots… the colonel was in there… that's how they got those pictures. Oh my god, Daniel, you're right!"

"You HAVE to help me get them back, please, Janet," he begged. "I've been the brunt of most of Jack's pranks, especially the most embarrassing ones…"

"I know you have," she agreed, she remembered all too clearly. "I'll help you but only if Sam never finds out I had a part in it."

"Okay."

But after an hour of planning together, neither of them had anything good. They had to go back to work, but agreed to think about it in the meantime, and let each other know if they thought of anything. Daniel even searched on the internet for ideas, but they had all either been done before or weren't good enough… he needed something PERFECT for these two. Suddenly it came to him.

He rang Janet, and without even saying hello, he said, "I've got it, Janet. We can't do anything as torturous to them as what they can do to each other…"

A/N: There's a second part to this, but it could do with some major rewriting. It's quite shippy and should be out in about a week or so.


	2. Daniel's Revenge

A/N: I stayed up late finishing this before the holidays because of one very sweet reviewer. Hope it's enjoyable. Happy holidays, everybody.

Daniel's Revenge

Sam picked up the ringing phone in her lab, frustrated at the latest in the series of interruptions. That was the only problem with the prank wars... they did tend to get in the way of her job.

"Carter," she said into the phone.

"Sam, I need you in the infirmary, I've got to give you a couple of shots before your next mission."

"Why?" Sam asked suspiciously. It was late for the doctor to still be there, and she had already been cleared for their next mission, which was still three days away.

"Because the people on the planet you're visiting have very weak immune systems and I need to make sure you don't infect them with anything."

"All right," Sam said reluctantly. "What about everyone else?"

"Teal'c doesn't need them because of his symbiote. Daniel just got his, and the Colonel isn't answering my summons. Grab him for me, would you?"

"Sure, Janet. Be right down." Sam and Janet both hung up their phones.

While Sam shut down the experiment she was working on, Janet turned to Daniel and grinned. "All right, they'll be down here soon."

"Good. I'm going to get out of sight." He flashed an eager smile before disappearing into her office to wait.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"No," Jack said stubbornly, crossing his arms and planting his feet.

Sam tried to remind herself that she could be court-martialed for rolling her eyes and said in her most patient tone, "Sir, Janet needs to give us these shots if we want to continue going off-world. Nobody likes needles, but it's better than being stuck at your desk doing paperwork, isn't it?"

"I'm healthy I'm not going to infect anybody off-world..."

"Sir, please. I already told Janet I'd get you down there. Don't you remember what General Hammond said the last time he had to get personally involved to get you in the infirmary?"

Jack looked at his boots and muttered, "He said it better be the last..."

"Yes, sir."

Jack stood up reluctantly and followed her out of his office. Unable to resist, she said innocently, "Maybe if you're really brave, she'll give you a lollipop when it's all over. Sir," she added with a grin as he angrily punched the elevator button.

"Haha, very funny Carter."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"There you are, what took you so long?" Janet asked, trying to look busy and harrassed. "I've got to get these done fast I'm supposed to pick Cassie up at soccer practice in an hour and a half. Colonel, go behind that curtain and change into these scrubs," she ordered, tossing him a pair. "Sam, you change here..." She handed her friend another pair.

"Why are you smiling like that, Janet?" Sam asked suspiciously as she changed into the scrubs and the doctor arranged three rather large syringes on a tray.

"I was just... thinking about Cassie's last soccer game. The one in the rain..." Janet tried to distract her friend quickly by reminding her of the previous weekend's events.

Sam laughed at the memory as well. She, Daniel, Jack, and Teal'c had all attended it. Her CO had slipped in a mud puddle during halftime and ruined his favorite pants.

"All right," Sam finally said, sitting down on the edge of the bed and pulling up her sleeve. "I'm ready."

Janet shook her head solemnly.

"Aww... come on, Janet..."

"Sorry. They're too big for your arm. Roll over."

Grumbling, Sam reluctantly complied, wincing in pain as Dr. Fraiser administered the painful shots to her bum. "Just lay there a few minutes, so I can make sure you don't have an allergic reaction," she said as she disposed of the needles. Sam nodded, readjusting the pillow under her head and staring grumpily at the wall she was facing.

"All right, Colonel!" Janet said in a falsely cheery voice, pulling back the privacy curtain that had been shielding him from the events. Sam concealed a smile as she heard him protesting, then a moment of silence, followed by a scream as if he'd been attacked by a very large bull...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"All right, the sedatives have taken effect," Janet said, poking her head into her office. "Let's roll Sam's bed back with the Colonel's... I'll shut the curtain and nobody will know they're back there until they wake up, at which point everyone will be gone for the night..."

"What about basic security? They'll be able to find somebody..."

"Oh, you're right I didn't even think about that. Okay. Well, where can we put them?" Okay, Janet realized, so there was more than one good reason to stay out of the prank wars. She wasn't very good at them.

"The VIP quarters," Daniel said easily, his tone indicating that had been his plan all along. "If nobody's scheduled to be staying in them, the security cameras won't be on in there."

"You're right. It's going to be tricky getting them in there though without anybody noticing..."

"You can be lookout. I'll go get Teal'c to help me carry them... he's still mad at Jack for the whole trick-Kel-no-reem candle incident. And the replacing of Teal'c's eye stuff with that bright blue eye shadow... and the replacement of his BDUs with ones three sizes too small..."

"All right, Dr. Jackson, I get it. You'd better hurry."

"Oh, right..." Daniel hurried off to find Teal'c.

Janet smiled at her unconscious friend. "Sorry, Sam, but from the looks of things you've had this coming for quite a while," she said with a little smile.

Teal'c carried Jack over his shoulders and Daniel carried Sam. Many of the base personnel had already gone home for the evening, as it was after five, so it was easier for Janet to ensure that nobody saw them sneaking into the guest quarters.

Once inside, Daniel and Teal'c put Jack and Sam on the bed. Janet nervously checked their vitals while Daniel fumbled around with something. The sedative was mild, but still, she felt guilty about drugging them, even if they did have it coming. She could get in serious trouble for that...

"If anybody asks, Janet, I'll tell them I stole the drugs from you and did it myself," Daniel promised, sensing her hesitation. She smiled at him and then her eyes widened as she saw what was in his hand.

"Handcuffs?" she asked as he slipped them onto Jack's wrist.

"Well, yeah... they'd be able to get out of ropes..."

"You're already locking them in here for the night, isn't that... enough?"

"Nope," Daniel replied with a grin, fastening the other cuff onto Sam's wrist.

"They're going to kill you, you know that, don't you?"

"That's assuming they don't kill each other first. I don't care, they've had it coming for a long time. They'll be fine. I'll put some dinner in the fridge for them and everything. We'll let them out first thing in the morning."

"All right," Janet agreed reluctantly, following them both out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack groaned as he woke up. He felt like he had a hangover. He lay on his back, eyes closed, wincing, trying to remember what had happened... then it all came back to him. He hadn't been drinking, he'd been at work, just a regular day, then to the infirmary for some shots... as supported by the soreness of his bum, he realized with a loud groan as he opened his eyes. He scrubbed his face with his hands and froze.

Three hands? He didn't have three...

"Crap," he said as he recognized the third hand.

Sitting up quickly, he turned to Carter, who was beside him on the bed and just as unconscious as he had been. He held up their joined wrists between them, studying the cuffs. "That's interesting," he commented, then nudged her shoulder with his free hand.

"Carter, wake up," he said sharply.

She mumbled something incoherent and tried to turn away from him in her sleep. Unfortunately, since they were handcuffed together, as she rolled on her side away from him he went with her, jerked by his wrist, he rolled right over her.

"What the..." she mumbled as him squishing her woke her up slightly. Even more unfortunately, his arm was trapped under her now, and he continued to roll off the side of the bed, taking her with him.

"Ouch, dammit!" he coughed as he hit the floor on his back and she landed on top of him on her stomach.

"Sir?" she asked, confused, finally waking up without the faintest idea why she felt so hungover or why she seemed to be lying on top of her CO on the floor.

"Yeah," he answered, the wind knocked out of him.

She tried to scramble off of him, but was, of course, jerked back by their handcuffed wrists.

"Woa, easy there, Carter!" he barked as his wrist was jerked painfully yet again. She looked at the cuffs and her eyes widened in shock.

"What the hell is going on here?" she demanded. "Sir," she added rather ineffectually.

"Well, I don't know much more than you Major. It appears that we have been handcuffed together and left in the visitor's quarters."

She looked around and nodded as he continued talking, pulling himself up off the floor. "The last thing I remember is Doctor Happy Needles poking me full of holes. I woke up a couple of seconds before you did. That's all I know."

"That's the last thing I remember too... she must have knocked us out... but why on earth would she do that?"

"Daniel," Jack said suddenly.

"Daniel?"

"He must have figured out we were the ones behind all the pranks and... convinced her to help him get us back."

Sam thought for a moment and nodded. "He's probably the only one that could convince her to help... she prefers not to get involved with the pranks... wait, so you're saying my cover's blown? He knows I've been helping you?"

"Looks that way to me," he said sarcastically, indicating their joined wrists.

"Right. Well, okay, it's..." she looked at the clock. "Eleven? How'd it get so late... anyway. Let's go see if the door's open."

He nodded and they hurried over to the door which was, predictably, locked.

"Great, so we're stuck in here all night," she said, sighing with frustration.

"What about the security camera? Hasn't anybody NOTICED we're in here?"

"These rooms aren't monitored when they're not in use, Colonel... I don't think I can pick this lock, it's basically one way, from the outside."

"Okay, what about the phone..." He hurried over to where the phone normally was, dragging her after him, but that was gone as well.

"Fercryinoutloud. Stuck here all night."

"Looks that way, sir," she agreed, heading suddenly for the kitchen.

"Hey, watch it," he objected as he had to struggle after her to keep from being pulled uncomfortably again.

"Sorry, I forgot, sir," she said absently as she opened the tiny fridge in there. "Well, at least we've got something to eat and drink..."

"Good, I'm starving. Bring it on."

It was easier said than done. As his right wrist was bound to Carter's left, he was forced to try to feed himself with his left hand, which he wasn't very good at. He kept trying to switch over to his right despite the fact that it made her hand hit him in the face as he tried to eat.

"Sir, please," she said impatiently the third time this happened. "You're just making a mess."

"You got off lucky, Carter, so don't complain," he said grumpily, watching jealously as she ate normally.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

An hour later they were sitting on the couch watching "The Simpsons." "Sir, do we really have to..." Carter started.

"Yes," he interrupted. He was not a happy man. In addition to the fact that he was stuck there all night, his pride was severely wounded. Nobody pranked Jack O'Neill. Least of all a geeky archaeologist.

At a commercial, he stood up abruptly. Carter got to her feet as well. "What is it, sir?"

"I... have to go to the bathroom. Come on."

"Oh dear," she said quietly, hurrying after him as he walked swiftly to the bathroom.

"Cover your ears," he instructed.

"How?" she asked pointedly. "I mean, I can cover one of them for you if you like, sir but..."

"Fine, turn on the sink then," he ordered, reaching over her and doing it himself.

"In a hurry, sir?" she asked innocently, turning around and closing her eyes, as he was already fumbling with the drawstring of his scrubs. "Crap," she said under her breath as she realized she had to go to the bathroom too.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Sir, with all due respect," she said as they washed their hands. "If you tell anybody about this I'll..."

"Believe me, Carter I'm not going to be telling anybody about this."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

An hour later, they were both bored. There was nothing on either of the three channels they were picking up and nothing to do in the room. Not even a deck of cards. Shutting off the TV impatiently, he turned to her and said, "All right, want to play a game?"

"We don't have any games..."

"Yeah I know, I mean like a word game or something."

"Like 20 questions? My brother and I used to play it on car trips..."

"Nah, that won't work. You'll pick something I've never heard of, I'll pick a hockey player or something..."

"All right, well... we could play chess."

"Chess. Do you see a chessboard in this room?"

"No sir, but as long as you know the number and letter coordinates of each space, theoretically you could play it in your head. You'd just have to remember where the pieces are..."

"Yeah, I probably couldn't beat you if we had an actual board between us, Carter, I don't think that would work."

She shrugged. "There's a notepad over there."

"Tic tac toe?"

"Sir that game is impossible to win if you know how to play, and you and I both know how to play."

"Yeah. Hangman?"

"All right," she agreed.

It was hard to do, because he needed his right hand to write, which meant Carter's hand kept getting in the way, but they played it for a while. He was getting more and more frustrated.

"You can't use scientific terms. It's not fair. Play it like wheel of fortune. And say the category at the beginning."

"Yes, sir," she said. "We could just stop playing..."

"No. We don't have anything else to do, we're playing."

She sighed and drew some blank spaces. "What's the category?"

"Umm... person."

"It's only one word."

"That is correct, sir."

"Fine..."

He started guessing letters. It took a while, but finally he got it. "CRYBABY?!" he exclaimed, looking at her in surprise. "Major that's out of line."

"Sir? I don't believe I specified a person in particular," she said innocently. "I just thought of a random word..."

"Right. Fine. Give me that." He did the same and she began guessing.

"Smart-ass know-it-all?" she guessed a few minutes later.

"Your words, Carter, not mine," he said with a grin, handing over the pen.

They were quiet for a few moments, then Jack thought of something funny to tell her. "Hey remember the Hathor thing, when she first arrived on base with the mad voodoo?"

"Of course I remember that, it wasn't my happiest memory of the SGC..."

"Yeah, but here's something funny... when she was talking to Hammond, she addressed him as 'you, with the crown of marble,'" he said with a smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I swear."

She laughed at that for quite a while as well. "How come you never told us that?"

"He ah, ordered me not to mention it. I figured the statute of limitations was up on that one."

She giggled again and said, "Once on the weekend, Teal'c showed up at my place and he made me tell him where human babies come from."

Jack laughed and said, "Why'd he ask you?"

"I don't know, I think he said he'd already asked you and you mentioned something about a... how did he put it, "large marine bird that makes deliveries..."

"Ah yeah, the stork," Jack said with a laugh. "I forgot about that... I assumed he knew it was basically the same on every planet, guess I was wrong. Hey, what did you mean about Daniel being the only one who could get the doc to drug us?"

Sam blushed and said, "I can't really talk about that..."

"No please? I think... I think I know what you meant by it but..."

Sam shook her head firmly. "Sorry, sir. That's highly classified."

"I have the highest security clearance, Major." She shook her head.

"It's a girl thing."

"A girl thing?" he repeated, looking surprised.

"Yeah... what, I'm not allowed to have any girl things?"

"No, no," he said, holding up his hands (hers too). "By all means, have girl things. I mean, you obviously have... girl things..." he was starting to get embarrassed, so he decided to turn the tables.

He got a glint in his eye that made her nervous. "If it's a girl thing though, that means I know just how to get it out of you," he said calmly.

"What are you..." she started, but shrieked and tried to get away from him (which was, of course, impossible) as he started tickling her.

She tried to squirm away from him, laughing, for about five whole minutes, but he was using the cuffs to his advantage. He had wrapped the arm that was cuffed to hers around her, over the top of her head, so that he could effectively trap both her arms with just his one and still have a hand free for tickling.

Finally, she was gasping for breath but she managed to say, "Please, Colonel, stop, I need to breathe!" and he stopped. She was leaning into him even more than before, completely trapped against his side, his arm still around her.

For a few seconds, neither of them said anything; he was out of breath as well. "All right, Carter, I won. Talk."

"Sir, I CAN'T. I really can't."

"I can't be trusted, is that what you're implying."

"No, sir, it's just... Janet made me swear..."

"JANET is the reason we're in here, although," he said with a smile, "I don't think this was Danny boy's smartest decision. This really isn't that bad," he said, lightly squeezing her with the arm he still had around her. She blushed. He kept talking. "I was just curious because... I've had similar, I THINK, conversations with Daniel. About the doc."

"Really?" she asked in surprise. "How come he never said anything to me... we tell each other everything..."

"Yeah, I've noticed. But he knew you'd tell Janet if you knew."

"Yeah, he's probably right about that," she admitted. "So... I mean he's a civilian, the regulations don't apply to him, why doesn't he ask her out?"

Jack shrugged. "First, he doesn't know she likes him too. And there's the whole thing about working together. I mean there's no RULE about it, but still, it could make things awkward for them..."

"And there's the fact that he's her patient... actually he's probably her most FREQUENT patient, the amount of times he manages to hurt himself..."

"You've got that right," Jack agreed with a laugh. "Hey, I've got another game we can play."

"What's that, sir?"

"Truth or dare."

She turned her face to look at him suspiciously. "I don't know if I like the sound of that, sir."

"Aw, come on, we've been sharing information already anyway..."

"All right," she agreed.

"Okay, truth or dare?" he asked quickly, sensing the perfect opportunity to settle something once and for all.

"Truth," she said.

"Were you ever into Daniel?" he asked.

"What?!"

"Daniel. I mean, when we first got put on SG1, actually, for a while there, I kind of got the feeling there was... something going on between you guys."

"Umm... no sir. I don't know why you would think that... "

"You guys were always talking together, walking together, sitting right next to each other all the time... you were just really... comfortable."

She shrugged. "Daniel and I just had one of those instant friendship bond things, you know? He's always been like a brother to me, actually he's a lot like my brother Mark. And he told me when his parents died, he had always wished he had a sister or brother to help him through it... there was never anything... romantic or whatever... between us. The idea of it is actually... pretty hysterical..." she trailed off, laughing at the idea. "All right, sir, truth or dare?" she finally asked.

"Truth."

"So what is there going on between you and Teal'c?" she asked in a mock-serious tone.

He looked at her in surprise then saw the look in her eyes and said, "Oh very funny," as she dissolved into giggles again.

"Didn't I make an order about no giggling?" he asked.

"Sorry, sir, I thought the statute of limitations was up on that one as well," she said, trying to control her laughter.

"Yeah, okay," he agreed. "Truth or dare."

"No way, I was joking! I didn't ask you a question yet!"

"Darn I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

She laughed and thought for a moment, then said, "How old are you?"

"Older than you."

"Sir..."

"Not as old as Teal'c."

She laughed but looked at him pointedly.

"All right all right... I'm... man I've never said it out loud... hey, you're only as old as you feel, right?" She smiled patiently. "All right the scientist wants a number... fine. 18."

"18?" she repeated.

"Yeah. older than you. 18 years older than you. There. Happy?"

"How do you know..."

"Oh come on, I might not be a theoretical astrophysicist, but I can add and subtract. Carter, how are you only 32?"

"Are you saying I look old..."

"No! I'm just saying you've got a PhD and you've been in the Air Force for years..."

"I... skipped a lot of grades."

"Figures. Why'd you want to know how old I am?"

She shrugged. "I dunno, we all kind of wondered... it's hard to tell."

"Because of my boyish good looks?"

She blushed slightly and ignored that.

"Do me a favor though, Carter, don't tell Danny and Teal'c I'm over the hill."

"Your secret's safe with me, sir, but I doubt Teal'c would care, seeing as how he's about three times older than you..."

"Yeah but if he knows, he'll tell Danny, who'll probably start calling me grandpa or something."

Sam laughed at that.

"It wasn't that funny..."

"Yes, it was, sir," she insisted. "I mean... you couldn't be a grandfather..."

"All right, truth or dare."

"Truth."

"Big surprise. Okay... truth. Is your butt really sore?"

She laughed again. "Yeah, it is. yours?"

"Oh yeah. She's got a bit of an evil side to her, doesn't she?"

"Yeah."

"You have that in common."

"Me?"

"Yup. Soon the whole SGC will know Sam Carter was behind all those pranks too... you've blown your cover."

"I guess so."

"It was fun while it lasted though."

"Yes, sir, it was," she agreed. "I guess they're going to start coming after me now too..."

"Yeah, but I've got your six, don't worry."

She really wanted to make a comment about that, but refrained. They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Jack looked at the clock. It was almost two in the morning.

"If you're tired..."

"No, sir. Are you?"

"No, I guess the fact that I spent the afternoon and evening unconscious has left me a little too well-rested."

"Yeah, me too. I mean, I'm still kind of tired, there are probably still some drugs in our systems, I guess... but I'm not sleepy."

"Yeah."

They were quiet for a few more minutes, then Jack asked, "So what made you join the Air Force?"

She shrugged. "Just seemed like the thing to do... I was used to the lifestyle because of my dad... and at the time I thought it was the best way to get to NASA... what about you?"

He shrugged. "Just seemed like the thing to do. I thought it would be cool to fly around and shoot stuff." She smiled. He always liked to reduce things to their simplest terms.

"Okay, here's a question for you," she said after a few minutes. "If you had the choice between being stuck in a time loop for the rest of your life, you knew it could never be broken ever... you were the only one who knew it was a loop too... if you had the choice between that or... becoming a Tok'ra, which would you pick?"

"Hmm... that depends."

"On what?"

"On lots of variables, DOCTOR... where would I be in the loop?"

"Anywhere... the SGC, if you want."

"Okay, and what about the Tok'ra... what sort of personality would the snake have?"

"Umm... a good one, I guess. Whatever you want."

"How long is the loop?"

"Um, let's say a week. That way you could sleep easily and stuff like that."

"Okay. I'd pick the loop."

"Really?"

"Yeah, no question. Definitely the loop. What about you?"

"Yeah, I'd probably pick the loop too."

"You wouldn't accept that you couldn't get out of it though. You'd spend the whole time trying to fix it."

"Maybe not the WHOLE time..."

"Really? What else would you do?"

"I dunno, there are some things I might like to do around here if I knew it wouldn't matter, although I suppose if the loop was a week long you'd have to be more careful about the repercussions of your actions..."

"Okay, if you were in the loop with T and I, what kind of stuff would you have done?"

"Well, sir, with all due respect, I think if I'd been in the loop with you we might have... figured it out a bit sooner than three months..."

"I walked right into that one."

"Yes, sir."

"You know what I mean though... if you could do anything here without worrying about it what would you do?"

"I don't know... I'd order takeout Chinese to be delivered to my lab instead of having to eat in the commissary..."

He laughed. "I should have thought of that."

"And I'd... okay, none of what is said tonight leaves this room, right?"

"Right."

"Okay... I've always wanted to enter the stargate doing a... a cartwheel, and see if i could do it without falling down on the other side," she admitted, grinning sheepishly.

He looked at her for a few moments and laughed, shaking his head slightly. "Anything else?"

"Umm..." she let her mind drift for a little while, thinking back to the stuff he and Teal'c had confessed to doing, the golf, the juggling, the bicycle riding... none of that had explained the funny look he had given her though... she blushed suddenly as she realized exactly what she'd do if she could, then her eyes widened as she wondered if he had done the same thing...

"Carter? You okay?" he asked.

She jumped slightly. "Yeah, sorry..."

"You were spaced out for a while... you okay?"

"Yes, sir, I was just... thinking about the naquada generator I was working on... hoping I shut it down properly before I went to the infirmary..." she lied.

"You think too much," he said. "Your technicians would have spotted it before they left for the day if you didn't, but I'm sure you did."

"Yes, sir, you're right..."

"So... what was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?" he asked after another few moments of silence. He got no response. "Carter..."

"I can't tell you, it's too horrible," she said.

"Aw, come on, I won't tell anybody... I'll tell you mine first."

"Okay," she agreed.

"All right, well, I had just joined the Air Force, and I had this horrible class that started at seven in the morning every day. Brutal. And, a few friends and I had... gone out to a bar the night before... anyway, I overslept and ran into the class late on the day of a rather important test..."

"I don't understand, sir, how is that..."

"Well, I had my uniform on, barely, but I hadn't bothered to look in the mirror, and apparently when we had... returned from our night out, Kawalsky had thought it would be funny to draw on my face after I went to sleep, so..."

"Oh no," she said quietly. "What did he draw?"

"He, ah, gave me a bunny nose and whiskers."

She laughed at that until he said, "All right, all right," and she finally stopped. "Okay, Carter, your turn."

"Well... mine happened when I was four."

"FOUR? How can the most embarrassing thing in your life happen when you're four? It's impossible to be embarrassed at four."

"Yeah, but I'm embarrassed about it NOW, sir," she argued, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, this must be good then..."

"Yes, sir. And you can NOT tell anybody..."

"I won't, I won't... what happened?" he asked, unable to keep the expectant grin off his face.

"Well, you know my dad..."

"Yes, I'm familiar with him."

"Right. Well... my parents were having a party for some people he worked with. A lot of men and a few women who are still in the Air Force today were there..."

"All right."

"And I was upstairs asleep, because it was pretty late, well for a four year old anyway, I'm not really sure what time it actually..."

"Carter."

"Right. Anyway, I woke up and I just felt lousy, like I had a fever and I was just miserable. So I went downstairs, even though I knew there were still people there..."

"Right. In your footy pajamas?"

"Actually, if I remember correctly, it was a Tinkerbell nightgown."

He laughed. "Tinkerbell?"

"Hey, she was a lot cooler than Snow White and Cinderella. She flew around and she was pretty spunky..."

"All right, finish the story."

"Okay, so I went downstairs looking for my mom or dad, and... first I found this friendly Colonel that I knew worked with my dad. He was always nice to me, and he asked me what was wrong, I guess he could tell I didn't feel good, so I told him I was sick, and he was so nice, he felt my forehead and said, 'Yup, we've got a code red here. Come on, I'll take you to your mom,' and he picked me up to carry me and... I threw up all over him. I mean ALL over him. The whole front of his suit... god, it was a horrible mess."

"Aw, that's not so bad..." he tried to console her. "I mean you were just a baby, and you were sick, nobody can blame you for that..."

"Yeah, but... the embarrassing thing about it is... that Colonel... was, at the time, Colonel HAMMOND."

She was so embarrassed at that she buried her face in his shoulder. She could feel him laughing, although he was doing it silently.

"It's not funny, sir," she wailed, her voice muffled.

"Oh, come on, it kind of is," he said, nudging her. "You threw up on the man and he STILL handpicked you for SG1? He must really have a soft spot for you..." He was trying to make her feel better but he just could not see why she still cared about the incident. General Hammond obviously didn't. "Well, now I'm insulted... General Hammond should have warned me when I met you that you have a tendency to vomit on Colonels..."

She laughed and lifted her head finally, looking at him. "I can't believe you haven't heard that story... my dad really likes to tell it, from what I hear... I've met a couple of other officers who remember it as well."

"I can't believe Hammond didn't mention it..."

"He was probably trying to be nice to me, I don't think he knows I remember that it was him... my dad was reassigned about a year after that and I never saw him again until I was assigned here... but it's kind of hard to forget a man you threw up on."

"Yes, I suppose it is..."

She still looked embarrassed about it.

"Aw, Carter, relax... everyone knows your his favorite, in spite of the... vomiting incident..."

"I'm not his favorite! He's a General, he doesn't have favorites..."

"Right, okay, sure. Whatever you say, Carter."

"It's just so weird... sometimes when we're in the briefing room, and Daniel's talking, I'll just look over at him and think, 'I threw up on you.'"

"Well, now I can do the same!" Jack said, laughing. "Not throw up on him, of course. But I can picture you doing it."

"Sir..."

"Have any pictures of you around that age so I can get a nice mental image... him taking pity on poor, sick little Sam, then as soon as he picks her up, wham..."

He broke off, laughing too hard to keep talking. She finally started laughing with him, which he took as a good sign and decided to drop it.

"All right, sir, I've got one for you. Tell the truth. Urgo. Did you really like him?"

"Well, not as much as you did. Geez, I thought you wanted to keep him..." She laughed. "He was okay, after a while. I mean, I really enjoyed the whole heightened taste buds. That was nice. And I felt kind of sorry for him that he didn't have a body of his own... that he had no choice but to use other people to experience things like pie. But I like to be the only person in my head. Man, that pie was good though."

"Yeah, it was."

"Okay... if you had to live on another planet... which one would you pick? You can't pick Abydos."

"Why not?"

"Too similar to Earth."

"Fine... umm... well, living with the Asguard, you'd learn sooooooooo much... but their food is absolutely inedible and they don't like to be hugged..."

"What?!" Jack spluttered.

"I umm... got a little excited when we saved everybody by blowing up your ship, and I... hugged Thor."

Jack burst out laughing at the mental image of his little friend's face. "What did he... say?"

"Nothing."

He was still laughing over that as she continued. "So I guess I wouldn't pick them... maybe the Nox."

"Nafrayu's probably not so cute anymore. And what if they wanted you to start styling your hair like them..."

She laughed and said, "Good point. I don't know... where would you pick?"

"That beach one. The uninhabited one."

"You'd rather live in a beautiful place that was completely devoid of life than anywhere else we've been?"

"Well, the fishing would be good... besides, I didn't say you had to be alone... okay, if the whole TEAM was stuck on a planet forever, which would you pick?"

"Oh. Then... I don't know. I'd try to find one that had some nice ruins with some hard language to decipher, to keep Daniel entertained for a while... Teal'c is pretty easy to please... as long as the sun wasn't too bad and there weren't any baddies around, I probably wouldn't really care which planet it was."

"Well, that's good to know. Next time you get that panicked look on your face when it looks like we're cut off from the Stargate, I'm going to remind you of what you just said."

They were quiet for a while, both thinking absently of the few peacefully boring planets they had been to over the years. Sam was getting sleepy. She tried to conceal a yawn as Jack suddenly spoke again.

"We should start coming up with a plan to get back at Daniel for this. And figure out a way to ensure he doesn't let slip the fact that you've been behind the pranks too, if he hasn't already told the whole base."

"That's easy," she said, unable to conceal the yawn this time. "Just remind him how much trouble Janet could get in for drugging us and he'll keep his mouth shut forever."

"That's below the belt, Carter. I'm proud of you."

She laughed sleepily. "Thank you, sir. Any ideas on getting back at them though?"

"I don't know... I don't really see the point of his prank, to tell you the truth..."

"He probably thought we'd end up fighting all night. That you'd resort to gnawing off your own wrist to escape," Sam said absently with a shrug.

He looked down at the top of her head. Was that really what they both thought of him? He couldn't think of anything to say to that except, "Well, he was wrong."

"Yeah... stop talking now, sir, I'm sleepy."

He smiled down at the top of her head in surprise. Got a little bossy when tired, huh, he thought to himself.

Unlike his 2IC, he was still wide awake, although he couldn't really do much to entertain himself. If he moved, he was sure he'd wake her up, and then he'd just have an angry Carter attached to his wrist, and nobody wanted that. He started to wonder if they'd misjudged the lameness of Daniel's prank as his 2IC started getting quite cuddly in her sleep. She snuggled into his side, hugging the arm that was still attached to hers with the cuffs.

When she nuzzled into his neck he knew Daniel's prank hadn't been altogether lame. This was bad, very bad. He was enjoying himself altogether too much, his head wouldn't stop arguing with itself about all the pros and cons of their current position. There were tons of pros, and the only con was that it was completely against regulations and would likely provide him with even more images he had to struggle to suppress than the infamous locker-room tank-top incident of long ago.

Damn you, Daniel, he thought to himself. He wasn't as ignorant as he sometimes pretended to be. Daniel wasn't the best when it came to pranks, he just didn't have the mean streak in him, but he could read people better than anybody else Jack had ever met, and he was confident Daniel had discovered the best way to punish him: put him next to Carter and leave his mind to its own sick torment. He continued thinking along those lines for nearly an hour but then he couldn't take it any more. He had to distract himself somehow and the only way to do that was to wake her up.

Realizing it was probably very similar to prodding a sleeping grizzly bear with a sharp stick, he reluctantly pulled his arm back over her head and nudged her upright. "Carter, wake up," he whispered.

"Why? I was sleeping," she mumbled, refusing to open her eyes.

"I know but I'm not tired. I'm bored. Come on, wake up and keep me company," he said briskly, nudging her shoulder again. She opened her eyes, rolling them at the same time. "Now, now, we're in this prank war together, remember? If I'm going to be stuck awake all night and bored, so are you."

"That's just mean," she said, narrowing her eyes at him, now sufficiently awake to be annoyed.

"Come on, I'm starving here and I can't go to the kitchen without you. There's chocolate," he offered, hoping to placate her enough.

Sure, he needed to put some distance between them, but he also didn't want her to spend the rest of the night contemplating different ways of murdering him. Luckily, it had worked.

"Fine," she grumbled, getting up and going into the kitchen with him for some snacks.

They spent the rest of the night coming up with ways to get back at Daniel, sometimes including Janet in them, especially as their ideas got bigger and bigger and less feasible as they tried to top one another with the best idea.

"We spill something on them and lock them in the decontamination showers together!"

"We put extra-strength ex-lax in Daniel's coffee!"

"We write love notes to each of them saying the other wants to meet them and when they get there we make sure EVERYTHING goes wrong!"

In this fashion, they were able to pass the few remaining hours until SGC personnel would be arriving for the day. Surely Daniel would come let them out as soon as he got there.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It wasn't Daniel who let them out. It was General Hammond, and he looked as mad as a hornet. His face was redder than Jack could ever remember.

"Both of you. In the gateroom. Now!" he barked after he opened the door and they jumped to their feet, snapping to attention.

They looked at one another, taking in their rumpled hair and hospital scrubs, bare feet. They really didn't want to be seen like this in front of the entire SGC. It looked bad enough on its own, not to mention the fact that they were still handcuffed together and he had shown no signs of releasing them.

"Sir, if I might explain," Sam tried as they hurried after him.

"I don't want to hear it, Major Carter."

They were both getting worried. Surely Daniel hadn't taken the prank so far as to try and make it look like they had been up to something... against the frat regs. Daniel would never... would he?

Hammond strode into the gateroom and to their horror the entire SGC seemed to be assembled there. They hesitated in the doorway but he turned to them and said, "Now." They had no choice but to follow him all the way up the ramp to the idle Stargate. They turned around to face the entire SGC, Hammond beside from them. Most of the personnel were looking nervous at the mass meeting, but several of them were shooting amused or "knowing" looks at the two of them. Daniel and Janet were skulking somewhere near the back. Janet's head wasn't even visible among the crowd.

"Now that we're all here," Hammond said in his loud, commanding voice. "I have something to say to all of you. First let me start by saying I have no complaints about the way any of you are performing in an official, work-related capacity. Second, I understand that the unique nature of our job creates a lot of stress, and that a good way to let off stress is with a little light-hearted fun. Which is why I haven't become involved before in the ongoing pranks between various factions. However, I've got to put a stop to it now, people, once and for all. Yesterday was completely unacceptable. Not only were there way too many people involved, the seriousness of the pranks that have started to be committed are alarming. Now, while I know Colonel O'Neill might have been behind some of those pranks, and may have even deserved to be gotten back, when you people start using the few employees I have who are mature enough NOT to take place in your ridiculous war, I have a big problem with that, folks. Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill are very important contributors to this facility and the security of the planet. Major Carter has now been deprived of sleep for an entire night due to your inconsideration. I don't care who did what to whom. I don't want to know, I don't want memos and e-mails and messages from a bunch of tattle-tales. The bottom line is that you have gone too far when you start pulling pranks on innocent employees who didn't ask for them, and it's going to stop today, folks. Consider any potential punishments or effects from any pranks pulled before this date null and void, but the next time I hear of ANYTHING like this taking place, I will devote the entire resources of this facility to figuring out who was behind it and shipping that person out of here before they can clean out their locker. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!" everyone barked.

"DISMISSED!" He said briskly.

While everyone dispersed, talking quietly amongst themselves, Hammond turned to the two of them. Carter was trying very hard not to blush. "I'm sorry this happened to you, Major," he apologized quietly as he started unlocking their cuffs. "I know it must not have been a lot of fun being stuck together all night."

"Thank you, sir," they both said.

Jack was trying to hide his grin. He couldn't believe she had gotten away with it. Oh, she had them all fooled, ESPECIALLY Hammond.

"Just out of curiosity, how did someone manage to do this?"

"We were drugged," Jack said immediately, rubbing his now free, but very sore, wrist.

"Drugged?" Hammond barked sharply. "Now that's something I will not tolerate, I don't care what I just said. Do you have any idea who did this to you?"

Sam looked at him pleadingly for a moment, not wanting to get Janet in trouble.

"No idea, sir," he said after catching the look on her face. "I don't think we'd be able to figure out who it was... one minute we were eating in the commissary, the next minute we woke up in the VIP room. It could have been anyone. Besides, there wasn't any long-term harm done."

"Very well, Colonel. I'm going to insist both of you go home for the day. You need your rest before your next mission."

"Yes, sir," Jack said gratefully.

"Thank you, sir," Sam said with a tired smile.

Hammond nodded and left.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As they walked out to their cars, Jack said, "See? I told you you were his favorite. Geez, first you throw up on the man, then this... he actually considers it beyond the realm of possibility that you could have had anything to do with any of these pranks."

Sam smiled mischievously. It was nice to know her big secret hadn't been found out. Even if Daniel did know, and who knows, maybe now he was even doubting it himself, nobody would ever believe him after Hammond's speech.

"Thanks for covering for Janet, sir. I really appreciate it." She hugged him quickly, impulsively.

"Oh, I'd say it was well-worth it," he said with a smile. "Well, Carter, this is the end of an era, I suppose," he said as they reached their respective vehicles, which were parked next to each other.

"I suppose," she said, now suddenly more than a little bit sad.

"It was a lot of fun while it lasted though," he said sincerely.

"Yes, sir, it was."

"Well... we'll just have to think of something else to collaborate on in the future," he said with a wink, getting behind the wheel of his truck. She got into her own vehicle, trying to sort out exactly what that was supposed to mean, but then decided she was way too tired to do the whole over-thinking bit. She yawned and started her car, grateful for once to be going home for a good night's sleep. Or day's, in this case.


End file.
